What A Loser I Am

I got lost on my way to MLB spring training in Florida and ended up in the Yukon. I was too hungover on the days I’d planned on attending CFL camp. Manchester United’s letter never seemed to have made it. I was going to be a gymnast in the London Olympics until I found out it’s next month and I haven’t even started to train yet.

I chose making toilet doors at a factory instead of becomg the fifth Beatle because I didn’t like Yoko.  The Montreal Canadiens offered me work as stick boy and I though they said “ship ahoy” and I declined because I can’t swim. Bill Gates begged me to be his partner but I believed in typewriters. I missed accepting the Order of Canada because ”The Bachelor” was on.

They warned me she had the clap but I thought it meant she liked to applaud after sex. I was once clocked faster than Usain Bolt but probably because I had to go number two. I worked long and hard to get Hardy Astrom into the Hockey Hall of Fame until I realized I had him and Ralph Backstrom confused. I could never understand how rabbits always won at greyhound races.

I moved to the West Coast to get out of the rain. It took me years to figure out that women don’t like guys who scratch their asses at formal gatherings. I was a Scott Gomez fan until I noticed that he was a player and not a pre-game flag kid. I lost my life savings after investing in Pinto limousines. I quit school in grade ten to follow my dream of going to Harvard.

I was informed via an official email that a prince in Nigeria wants to give me 8 million dollars so I sent the necessary $100,000 for administrative purposes and have now been waiting three years for the big money to arrive. Angelina Jolie asked me if I wanted to have sex and I said yes, do you know anybody?

And I’ve never been successful, no matter how hard I’ve tried, in getting Al Capone paroled.

What a loser I am.

10 thoughts on “What A Loser I Am”

  1. Dennis, I stole that clap line for my Facebook page.

    I found this post awesome. It’s pretty much the basic theme of my personal rants about myself (however I don’t think I’m as creative with words and I certainly use more foul language).

    If this is legitimately how you feel then you shouldn’t. You’re not a loser and never have been. Obsessive over the Habs a bit, but I’m not exactly one to talk myself. :)

  2. Dear Mr. Burke,

    Don’t take it too hard. Some of us think you’re doing a bang up job. Keep feeding the Hogtown media that load of fertilizer, keep hooking the mindless Glenn Healy’s of the world on promise of next year (Look, the Marlies are LOADED!), keep your HNiC (or is HNiMLSE?) afloat with the bland host with lame prose, keep that 1967! chant alive! You’re not a loser, you’re a Maple Leaf!!! Oh, wait, that would make you a loser! Grab Scott Gomez in order to swap picks!

  3. Mike, I just saw an interview with Burke that took place three quarters of the way through the season, and he was saying how the team had turned a corner and there was no more dropping off quickly like before. But just after that, the Leafs collapsed and once again didn’t make the playoffs. I thought it was great to hear him say this. And by the way, great comment.

  4. Danno, maybe we can convince our Gomez to play soccer! Not a lot of scoring is required.

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