Has been spotted behind the Montreal Canadiens’ bench but no one is sure if he is alive or dead, even when he’s standing there.
Considered dangerous to the legions of Habs fans around the world. Is wanted for not providing leadership, not naming a captain, for putting players on the ice in the last few minutes of a game who aren’t able to hold a lead, for not smiling, for being incredibly boring, and for having an ordinary haircut.
A repeat offender, Martin will probably attempt to cause harm to the visiting Toronto Maple Leafs. Leaf players and fans are apparently not overly concerned about the threat.
The following is the offender’s playoff rap sheet against the Toronto Maple Leafs, the team the Habs need to assault on Saturday.
1986-87 with St. Louis. Lost to Toronto 4 games to 2.
1999-2000 with Ottawa. Lost to Toronto 4 games to 2.
2000-2001 with Ottawa. Lost to Toronto 4 games to none.
2001-2002 with Ottawa. Lost to Toronto 4 games to 3.
2003-04 with Ottawa. Lost to Toronto 4 games to 3.
ALSO WANTED – Team in blue, white, and red.
Don’t worry about approaching with caution.
Known to hang out in their own red-light district.