They’ll Send Chills Up Your Spine

Are you strong enough to sit through these? Can your heart take it?

You’ve been warned.

Chernoble Diaries

A group of wholesome American students visit Chernoble twenty-five years after the deadly meltdown, and find themselves stuck in the god-forsaken place when their car battery somehow becomes dead. Horror ensues as a hideous half-man, half-monster, created from the radioactive air, hunts down the terrified students and begins to eat them one by one. Brad Marchand plays himself as the hideous monster.

Bride of Frankenstein

A retelling of Mary Shelley’s classic tale of a grotesque monster created in a lab, only in this later version, the monster takes a wife who is every bit as ugly and loathsome as he. Audiences shrieked in horror and some fainted the first time Zdeno Charo appeared on the screen as the wife.

Night of the Living Dead

They come alive in the cemetery and roam the streets eating innocent townfolks’ testicles as folks flee for their lives. Director Orson Snail does a masterful job in getting the Toronto Maple Leafs hockey team to act as the testicle-eating zombies, although in interviews, Snail has admitted that he really didn’t have to do much. “They were naturals,” he said. “Like they’ve done it before. And we saved money by not needing makeup artists.” Kudos to newcomer Nazem Kadri for his realistic portrayal of the village idiot.

Dawn of the Dead

Audiences in Boston, Toronto, Ottawa, and elsewhere walked out of theatres horrified and disturbed after seeing how the Montreal Canadiens, given up for dead, suddenly emerge and willfully slaughter hockey teams in major cities throughout North America.  “We thought they were dead and buried,” cried shocked patrons everywhere. “I’m probably not going to be able to sleep tonight,” admitted a trembling and red-eyed Dion Phaneuf.

28 Days Later

A group of animal-loving activists free a bunch of chimps from their cages, only to discover soon after that the deadly germs of the primates have quickly killed millions. Unfortunately, by the time the chimps are rounded up and secured, the world has become partly deserted. “I’ll send them out again if you don’t let me be Habs stick boy,” warned the diabolical yet extremely handsome activist Dennis Kane.

Invasion of the Body Snatchers

Zombies and more zombies. Thousand of them. Smelly, disgusting, gruesome, pus-oozing zombies. Boston Bruins fans played their parts well. “It worked because all they had to do was grunt,” explained producer Alfred Spielberg.

Psycho

The story of a lonely man in a lonely motel, waiting patiently for a female victim to show up so he can introduce her to his mother who lives in the creepy mansion up on the hill. The shower scene is a bone-trembling classic, and director and sometimes hockey coach Sir Ken Hitchcock has theatre-goers shaking in their boots as the heroine, portrayed by troubled star P.J. Stock, is treated rather shabbily to say the least. Matt Cooke is brilliant as both the mother and son, and he still maintains that he didn’t try to actually hurt Stock and Hitchcock during the making, but it happened and he’s sorry.

Carey

Based on the Stephen King novel “Carrie,” it’s the story of a person who is unmercifully tormented and ridiculed, but eventually finds out he has telekinesis powers that become apparent when angry and upset. The final scene, when a tormented Carey wills the arena to explode, is riveting.

 

 

 

 

 

3 thoughts on “They’ll Send Chills Up Your Spine”

  1. Heh heh! Too much time on your hands Dennis? Send this to the team, they could use a good laugh right about now.

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