Tag Archives: Usain Bolt

Gadgetrometry

This may seem ridiculous to you, but when you get older, the world of electronic gadgets will try to pass you by like James Dean in his Porsche Spyder, blasting past the Beverly Hillbillies old truck with the rocking chair in the back.  Howie Morenz breezing by Hal Gill. Usain Bolt vs. Gump Worsley in the 200 metre.

You could be like me, and you don’t want that.

I’m falling behind and I’m not crazy about this. I want to keep up but it seems the world of technology is faster than my little brain can compute. I’m not like those people I see on street corners, bent over, looking into their hand-held gadget. I’ve never done that. I feel left out.

Maybe these people run the risk of having their heads and necks bent permanently downwards, and I’m not sure I want to run this risk. Why can’t I just phone and email when I get home? But that would mean I’d have to wait untill I got home. It’s a dilemma.

There is one disturbing sight I’m proud I’m not part of. I’m not one of those who reads their gadgets while talking to someone. You know he’s not listening, he’s reading. So you wait until he’s finished reading. I think it’s rude. Really rude. Others have agreed.

Today I’m going to the store to look at iPods. I have a lot of questions about this. How do you turn them on? How do you put music on them? How do you listen to music? I also like the idea of tablets, which aren’t as cumbersome as a laptop. It wasn’t that long ago that I thought laptops weren’t cumbersome. It turns out they became cumbersome when I wasn’t looking.

I’m trying to stay on top of things, but it’s tough. And if you think I’m an idiot, wait a few years. You’ll see.

 

What A Loser I Am

I got lost on my way to MLB spring training in Florida and ended up in the Yukon. I was too hungover on the days I’d planned on attending CFL camp. Manchester United’s letter never seemed to have made it. I was going to be a gymnast in the London Olympics until I found out it’s next month and I haven’t even started to train yet.

I chose making toilet doors at a factory instead of becomg the fifth Beatle because I didn’t like Yoko.  The Montreal Canadiens offered me work as stick boy and I though they said “ship ahoy” and I declined because I can’t swim. Bill Gates begged me to be his partner but I believed in typewriters. I missed accepting the Order of Canada because ”The Bachelor” was on.

They warned me she had the clap but I thought it meant she liked to applaud after sex. I was once clocked faster than Usain Bolt but probably because I had to go number two. I worked long and hard to get Hardy Astrom into the Hockey Hall of Fame until I realized I had him and Ralph Backstrom confused. I could never understand how rabbits always won at greyhound races.

I moved to the West Coast to get out of the rain. It took me years to figure out that women don’t like guys who scratch their asses at formal gatherings. I was a Scott Gomez fan until I noticed that he was a player and not a pre-game flag kid. I lost my life savings after investing in Pinto limousines. I quit school in grade ten to follow my dream of going to Harvard.

I was informed via an official email that a prince in Nigeria wants to give me 8 million dollars so I sent the necessary $100,000 for administrative purposes and have now been waiting three years for the big money to arrive. Angelina Jolie asked me if I wanted to have sex and I said yes, do you know anybody?

And I’ve never been successful, no matter how hard I’ve tried, in getting Al Capone paroled.

What a loser I am.