Phoenix Wins…Plus…How Gangsters Robbed Banks

The Phoenix Coyotes finally get themselves a win after falling behind 3-0 in their series with the Los Angeles Kings, and although it’s highly unlikely, they can, but probably won’t, storm all the way back. Teams have come back from 3-0 leads before, so it’s possible I guess. I’d like the drama. Keeps me awake.

I also want seven overtime periods and a bench-clearing brawl, so I’m asking a lot. But I just want the wild and unusual in these NHL playoffs. It’s not too much to ask.

I’m hoping L.A. wins, but whatever. If the Coyotes storm back from a 3-0 deficit and shock everyone, great! Good for the game. With the Habs not playing, I need shock and unusual to get me through this.

Meanwhile……

From time to time, I like to provide a public service. I’m a giving person, and it can’t just be all Gomez and Subban and the Rocket. And because I’ve just finished reading the Alvin Karpis story “Public Enemy Number One” and picked up some important tips, I’ve decided to pass them on to you. Of course, it helps if you can find a 1930′s bank with 1930′s cars and security systems. But if you can, it’s a get-rich thing you might want to think about.

That’s the kind of guy I am.

Al Karpis was a bank robber and kidnapper during the Dirty Thirties, and he was as notorious and rotten as Bonnie and Clyde, John Dillinger, Baby Face Nelson, and the rest. He was badder than bad, a real scoundrel and he ended up spending the most time in Alcatraz of any convict ever - 26 years. Even there, he was far from a model prisoner, and he fought and argued his way through his record-setting stretch on the Rock.

Alvin Karpis, also know as Creepy Karpis, was a Canadian. A Montrealer. Although he was raised in the US midwest. Don’t you feel that because of his Montreal connection, it almost makes it a hockey story? Sort of? Okay, not quite.

Now, because I like to provide important public services, as I said, I’m going to pass onto you, compliments of Karpis, all the important steps to robbing a bank.

Karpis and the Barker boys (the Karpis-Barker Gang), would pick a small, midwestern town with a bank and not too many cops, and spend weeks or months driving all the roads around it, searching for the best possible exit.

So rule number 1 – get familiar with the roads in the area.

In the bank, position one guy at the door to direct staff and customers into the back. Be polite and courteous.

Rule number 2 – Be polite and courteous.

Put full gas cans about 25 miles apart on the escape route. Often, after robbing a bank, there would be gunfire, and the cops would try to shoot holes in the gas tank.

Rule number 3 – line the road with gas tanks.

Rule number 4 – Bring a supply of corks to plug holes in the gas tank.

Rule number 5 – Bring a couple of female hostages and tell them to stand on the  running boards. The cops would be hesitant to shoot with the girls there. Let the girls off a couple of miles outside of town.

The problem with rule number 5 is that cars don’t have running boards on them anymore. So I’m thinking you should open both back doors and let the girls stand in the car and hang outside. But hold unto them.

Rule number 6. Sell the stolen cash to a buyer in Reno or Vegas for about 70% of its value. It’s worth it. Let someone else handle this hot stuff.

There you have it. If you get busted, don’t told tell the Feds you heard it here. Say Marchand did it. Blame it on Subban. Tell them about Creepy Karpis. Just don’t mention my name.