PARK BENCH ON DECK HAS ’57 CHEVY MAILBOX BABY: Making up a little alien story sure beats the hell out of talking about yet another loss, this time an old fashion whipping by the New Jersey Devils. This is unacceptable. The boys are in a full-fledged slump. No wonder I drink.
Some kind of other-worldly park bench is growing from my deck. Dogs and cats run away shrieking. It’s making me nervous. It just sits there, quiet, not moving, almost like it’s ready to strike at any moment. It has a number 9 on the back. What could that mean? Why is it here? What does it want? Will it hurt those dogs and cats? Stay tuned.
Lawrence says that today’s NHL players are way better than the players of say, the 1950’s and ’60’s. You know, he just might have something there. When I think about, why of course, Andrew Alberts, Clarke MacArthur, Derrick Walser, Tanner Glass, and Hal Gill are far superior to Gordie Howe, Bobby Orr, The Rocket, Doug Harvey, and Bobby Hull. What was I thinking?
By the way, I sort of know of what he’s saying. But it’s only because of certain factors. Those metal sticks give the modern boys pretty hard shots. The skates are probably designed by a team of NASA scientists. Goalie pads block entire freeways, and these guys are bigger because scouts and management are prejudice against the smaller guy unless they’re really good like the way I was. But strip away all this modern-day stuff and take the basic guy who doesn’t even know what an outdoor rink looks like, let alone played on one, or stickhandled, which is a lost art, on a cleared off portion of a frozen lake, and he comes down several notches. And if you go back even further than the 1950’s to the 1920’s, guys like Howie Morenz, Cyclone Taylor, and Aurel Joliet had blazing speed and would zip by most of these guys now with no problem whatsoever. And heck, these guys aren’t even alive anymore! That’s how fast they are! Here’s the bottom line to the Lawrence’s of the world. You’re born with it, whether it’s then or now. Orr would still be the best now, as would Richard and Howe. So put that in your pipe and smoke it.
Two BIG things to mention. With the Leafs in turmoil, with GM John Ferguson and coach Paul Maurice both on the bubble and poised to begin applying for Employment Insurance, with the media all over the Leafs like a quarterback on a cheerleader, and with fans calling in to radio talk shows and and complaining about it as they buy their poodle cardigans on Yorkville, then the best, funniest thing of all time happened. The Montreal Canadiens beat them in a shootout!
And what do I think about the Leafs? Blow them up. blow them up real good. Trade Sundin and get a bunch of good players for him. Bring in a long time crusty old GM like Harry Sinden. Rehire Ricky Ley, a good old Orillia boy to work with said crusty old GM. Tell Dave Keon to stay in Florida with his giant fur coat. Put the corpses of Harold Ballard and King Clancy in seats at one end of the rink. Bring back Claire Alexander. Don’t hire me because I’d want them to lose every time they played the Habs.
The other thing is this: Guy Lafleur just said Montreal is a bunch of fourth liners. This is what I have to say about this. HE’S RIGHT. Except for those games from time to time where they look as good as anybody. (A Philadelphia game awhile back comes to mind.) And they’re always better than Vancouver. And anyway, it’s Lafleur, who’s been coming up with beauties since the 70’s. (“maybe I’ll jump to the WHA, Keith Acton’s a puck hog, I’m not playing until they renegotiate my contract.” Keep it up, Guy, it’s good for hockey.
On ebay, there’s a couple of shirts you can choose from to add to your collection. The first one is a guy peeing and it says “Habs piss on the Leafs.” The other simply says “Leafs Suck.” These are two very important shirts that Montreal fans should own. We can wear them to church, and to White House and Buckingham Palace dinners. We can wear them when we go home to mom’s for Thanksgiving. Heck, we can wear them when we’re having sex! (with our wives, pervert). I only bring this up because the team is slumping and they play the Leafs tomorrow.
The team’s in a slump and I’m writing nothing because no one except Lawrence reads this anyway. The best thing I’ve got is this: What did one hooker say to the other? “If I don’t get to bed pretty soon, I’m going home to sleep.”
Other than worrying about the team making the playoffs, or winning the Stanley Cup, is one other thing. That is, they hold the mighty record for least number of losses in a season, an 80 game season, and that number is 8 by the 1976-77 version starring Lafleur, Shutt, Lemaire, Robinson, Dryden, Laponte, Savard, etc.etc. Now Ottawa fans are secretly hoping their shitty version of a good team can equal or better this record. Sens fans should be content with their little record of 5 losses by their team back in 1919-20, but of course, it was only a 24 game season so it’s a lousy record. Here’s hoping Ottawa slumps badly and loses a lot because even though they’re pretty good, they sure ain’t the ’76-77 Habs. Only the the late ’50’s Habs could match that team. Ottawa fans, (many of whom were staunch Habs fans not that long ago and switched, which is inexcusable), must be on purple microdot acid.
First I find out Ottawa beat the team again, then I drank some Neo Citron to make me tired, then I dozed off, and then the alarm went off and and I had to go to work. Does it get any worse than this? These last few games are telling me they might be slumping, so they’d better put together a few in a row or I’m gonna talk to Morenz and the Rocket and the boys at the Bell Centre don’t need the wrath of these guys. But they deserve it. There’s no way I’m gonna let what happened last year happen again.
I didn’t see tonight’s Habs 7-4 win over Boston so I’ll just take Ron Maclean’s word for it that Montreal had over 50 shots and 11 different players figured in the scoring for Montreal. There was also quite a few fights which is always a good thing. At least they woke up after their peaceful slumber in Buffalo. But why do they do that? One game they play like Conrad Black on downers, and the next they play like the 1976-77 team. Maybe some rinks like Buffalo pipe poisonous gasses into the visitors dressing room. Maybe it’s just laziness. Maybe they need me to help motivate Carbonneau. But I digress. They won for goodness sakes. This should be enough. More interesting, Toronto beat Ottawa 3-0. Now there’s a team, Toronto, who needs serious psychological help. Harold Ballard, where are you when we need you?
Let the record show that on this day, Friday, November 17, 2007, the Montreal Canadiens, while playing in Buffalo, SUCKED RAT DROPPINGS FROM A MOULDY RUG.
They lost 4-1 because Kovalev, Koivu, Higgins, Plecanec, and a dozen others played like they’d spent the night playing doctor with Buffalo Bills cheerleaders, overdosing on Buffalo wings, and chug-a-lugging Russian vodka that Kovalev’s mother shipped over.
Why do I even bother.