Olympian

My original plan was to be a gymnast at the 2012 Olympic Games in London, but all these things like age, weight, arthritis, and lack of any ability whatsoever kept coming up that completely discouraged me.

I remember telling my wife how frustrating it was as I lowered myself onto the couch near the table where my beer, drugs, and chocolate cake sat.

“I don’t think I’m going to the London Games as a gymnast”, I told Luci, and she couldn’t believe it. All along she thought Canada was the land of opportunity, and now she saw it wasn’t.

London came and went, and I’ve been watching the Winter Games in Sochi, trying to decide which sport I could do, and once again it doesn’t seem fair.

They all seem to take lots of hard work and talent. I hate that. I also haven’t flown through the air and done somersaults since that night at the quarry when me and my buddies ate all that mescaline.

But I looked and kept looking and I now see that I can still take part in the Olympics. I can be either the person who opens and closes the door for figure skaters or the guy who shoots the gun to start races.

How do you go about becoming a race starter? Is there a course?

I can do these jobs. Both of them. I can open doors, and I can pull a trigger if my arthritis behaves itself.

Although if there’s a course I might pass. Always hated school.

South Korea in 2018. The dream is alive.

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