The places are real. The story? Not so much. This is a somewhat condensed and slightly altered version of a column I wrote in the Powell River Peak in 2001.
You can blame Jonathan Toews’ lake and Danno’s boss for this.
“There was a time when he could barely afford cornflakes in Cereal, Alberta, but it wasn’t always like that. He had, for instance, been given a hero’s welcome all those years ago in Welcome, Ontario.
And he wasn’t always poor. Coins shot out like water from a faucet, and with eyes bukging, he scooped up the falling silver. Suddenly, he loved Bonanza, Alberta. But good fortune wasn’t always on his side. He had been dead broke, roaming the streets of Cheapside, Ontario, where bad luck was his constant companion. He had even donned a face mask once in Balaclava, Ontario, but of course he was busted.
When he finally got out of the joint, he tried to liven things up in Lively, Ontario but couldn’t. He’d even considered Indian religion in Mystic, Quebec but he was too bad to be mystical.
So he hit the road.
There were nights when he drank too many beers in Beersville, New Brunswick. He’d gone by chance to Come-By-Chance, Newfoundland, and relived happy adventures in Happy Adventure, Newfoundland. He lost his shirt in Dropmore, Manitoba and raised eyebrows in Eyebrow, Saskatchewan when he ran naked through the streets after a gin-soaked evening in a local bar. He remembers thinking, “What was I thinking?”
It seemed like heaven as he stirred up memories of his time in Harmony, Nova Scotia and Newbliss, Ontario. Of course, there was the money he made in Success, Saskatchewan, enough to buy two buildings, albeit small buildings, in Two Sheds, Nova Scotia. He had bounced back after being laid off in Lower Economy, Nova Scotia, and had fully recovered from his mid-blowing acid trip in Moonbeam, Ontario.
But life had become better, because he had found something he’d never known before – in Love, Saskatchewan, just before he ventured on to Climax.
His road adventures had always seen his share of highs and lows. Dixville, Quebec turned him off, and Dildo, Newfoundland, home of Danno’s boss, was even worse than South Dildo. So he zoomed off and it was a blur until he finally returned to the Rock and settled peacefully in Heart’s Content, a small town just down the road from Heart’s Delight and a stone’s throw from Heart’s Desire.
He was happy but still missed and longed for those hazy, crazy, romantic-soaked days he had once known. Oh, how he missed those times he was in Wet Royalty, PEI.”