Let The Pink Slips Fly

They’ve said for years that the team belongs to all of us.

Good. I’m exercising my ownership rights to fire some asses.

Geoff Molson. Gone. Anyone who is part of a monster brewery and charges nine bucks for a can of beer at the Bell Centre isn’t part of my team. And anyone who owns a Montreal Canadiens team that allows things to spiral out of control is, yes, outta here.

Kevin Gilmour, Executive VP and CEO. Whatever it is you do, the team sucks. You’re gone.

Pierre Gauthier, Executive VP and GM. We know what you do, and the team sucks. You’re gone.

Fred Steer, Executive VP and Chief Financial Officer. How many freakin Executive Vice Presidents do we need? And because you’re the financial guy, maybe you’re responsible for the nine buck beer.

Dr. David Mulder. You and the other docs – Lenczner, Lacroix, and Desjardins are safe for now, only because I need you until I get your replacement in here - Dr. Barrie McDonald, my doc in Powell River, who got rid of my arthritis.

Dr. John Little, eye doctor. Most of the guys can’t hit the net so guess what. Their eyesight must suck. Didn’t you notice?

Randy Cunneyworth. You’re gone anyway, all things considered. Great guy or not, you haven’t exactly turned things around. To say the least.

Mario Leblanc, video coach. Anybody can be a video coach. Just rewind things, point out where they suck, and tell them they shouldn’t suck. I have a guy from Staples moving into your office.

Trevor Timmins, Director of player development. Hah! Player development. You’re part of the brain power in making this team what it is. Gonzo.

Pierre Gervais, Pierre Ouellette, Patrick Langlois, and Richard Genereux, Equipment guys. So long. Remember when Andrei Kostitsyn’s stick broke in half during a shoot out? I’m blaming you for that. Plus, I’ve got my own people coming in and you’re taking up valuable stick boy space.

Scouts Doug Gibson, Frank Jay, Serge Boisvert, Elmer Benning, Ryan Jankowski, Mike McCann, Bill Berglund, Pat Westrum, Vaughn Karpan, Hannu Laine, and Christer Rockstrom, see ya. Too much coffee in too many cold rinks. You need to retire.

And the players?

As owner, I’ll be directing my new management staff to keep Carey Price, Erik Cole, (of course), Max Pacioretty, David Desharnais, Lars Eller, (if only because he scored that beauty of a shootout goal), PK Subban, (although I had to toss that one around a bit), Travis Moen (because we need at least some toughness), Josh Gorges, Louis Leblanc, Rene Bourque, and Alexei Emelin. Everyone else can leave as soon as possible. Too many long slumps, too many disappearing acts, too many mistakes, and a really, really lousy power play.

I hate to see people lose their jobs, but after that soulless display against Buffalo, things had to change. Am I ever glad they said we are all owners.

 

14 thoughts on “Let The Pink Slips Fly”

  1. Travis Moen should be gone too. He’s a great third liner who, for some weird reason, always seems to play on the top two lines. If he’s gone, the new coach is less likely to do that.

  2. Tom, I’m fine with that as long as we get some sort of tough guy with good hands to replace him.

  3. Nine dollars for a can of beer? Are you serious? That’s awful. That’s highway robbery. I agree, he needs to go. I don’t think I’ll ever buy a Molson again, honestly.

    How did your doctor get rid of your arthritis? Seriously, I have some…:(

  4. Marjo, are you ready for this? I had to inject liquid gold (covered by my mediacl) into my arm once a week for about a year. It did the trick. But it was rheumatoid arthritis and I dodged a bullet because it could have gotten much worse.

  5. Rheumatoid…you poor thing. Luckily mines only osteo. I never heard of the gold treatment and I marvel at your courage for injecting a needle daily. You’re very optimistic and I bet that played a role, too. All gone? Wow – incredible and fantastic!

  6. Dennis, I have the doctors near the top of my fire list. These doctors had us believing the mythical Markov would be making an appearance before last years’ play-offs. Still waiting and now I think Charlie Brown will see The Great Pumpkin before anyone sees Markov again. And I’m still a bit pissed that they advocated caution against signing reliable Gorges for long term, making me wait until January.

    I’d also keep Plekanec, he’s one of the best in the league short-handed and his scoring will improve with better wingers. Other than that I agree with your list.

    Until a couple weeks ago I had Cunneyworth on my keep list at least as an assistant coach. When he had Kaberle take a shot during a shoot-out I realized he’s just phoning it in. What was he thinking? Everyone knows Kaberle never shoots the puck. And then to confirm his inability as head coach, the next game he had Gomez take a shot.

  7. Dennis – it’s not 9 bucks for a beer. It’s TEN. Ten bucks for a beer that you could get at a bar for maybe half that (during happy hour at least). I believe the beer is $10.40 to be exact. It’s not even the world’s best beer. You can down the stuff like it’s kool-aid.

    I like your list but I will give Molson a temporary reprieve – he’s got a warning letter. It’s his first year, he may be just riding the year out and then we’ll get the changes we need. If it’s the same old next year then fire his ass.

    Pierre Gauthier is the first to go. Immediately. Then I would fire the entire coaching staff, the scouts, and most of the management for gross negligence.

    The medical staff I would give a pass to but I’d have to investigate the Markov situation.

    The trainers would have to go because our guys cannot play a full 60 minutes.

    I would then go out and hire (poach if needed) the scouts of the Blackhawks, Red Wings, and Bruins. I would then hire some serious trainers to work on our guys to assure they don’t get hurt once sneezed on and to assure they can play a full 60 minutes.

    I’d hire a permanent in-house psychologist for the players to talk to about slumps, boneheaded decision making, etc.

    I’d hire Robinson as my defensive coach. I’d give him carte blanche on the training of our entire defense.

    I’d hire Pierre McGuire as GM.

    For a coach I would try to get Boucher here. I’d even pay off Tampa Bay for him.

    I would put in a half-price beer night for every night we suck. Least they can do to say sorry for this season.

    I would buy out Gomez. If I had to, I would hire certain “gentlemen” to escort him to a plane and to make sure he arrives in Alaska safe and sound.

  8. Marjo, osteo is also very serious and you make sure you do everything you can for it not to get worse.

  9. Dennis,

    That’s a lot of bodies.

    Are we putting them all under your patio or sharing them around?

    I see there’s some heat going under the McGuire for GM idea (Darth there for one). Care to comment?

    If you don’t like it a per-emptive strike might be good and we can find a space for him under there too.

  10. Blue Bayou, I find it hard to picture McGuire as GM. He seems like the kind of guy that you cut his shoelaces and send 20 pizzas to his hotel room. But he is a hockey man and knows the league, so it’s very difficult to know. I thought you were in the running for this job when I own the team.

  11. Dennis,

    “But he is a hockey man and knows the league”. This may be the bit where my otherwise excellent CV gets a little sketchy.

    I wasn’t aware that hockey related stuff was a requirement. Just thought I had to be able to land a beer can in a waste basket from 20 feet while keeping my feet up on the desk and my chair on two legs?.

  12. Blue Bayou, you’re thinking of the present management. I’m looking down the road. I just don’t know how Pierre McGuire would look in a fedora. Can’t see it at all.

  13. Good for you, Marjo. Never stop this sort of thing and the osteo will be harnessed. My arthritis doctor told me to take an abundance of calcium and vitiman D too.

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