Hab Fixer-Uppers

Maybe only Sigmund Freud could come close to finding an answer to why the Habs, as they were last night and so many times in recent years, can come out to an exciting atmosphere and play like it’s past their bedtime. So uninspired, so freaking lousy.

Freud might have known what the problem is, but he’s dead. So it’s left up to us to understand.

Here’s some of my suggestions:

Whichever restaurants the players eat at, fire the cooks.

Send the wives to Powell River and the kids to an uncle’s so the guys can focus better.

Arrange for an exorcism performed on the dressing room.

Build a new dressing room and start over.

Build a new rink and move.

Have the players look up to the sky and say sorry to dead Habs.

Go back to wood sticks and sweaters with tie-up necks.

Do what many dads do – give a buck for every goal scored.

Decline power plays.

Forget the free hot dogs, chips, and pop at inter-squad games and morning skates. After last night, fans deserve steaks, beer, and morphine.

Start playing Brendan Gallagher while he’s still enthusiastic, and before he starts playing like everybody else.

Issue strong laxatives to players so they can rid themselves of their obvious constipation.

Ask Dr. Recchi if it’s a health issue with the guys and how would he fix it.

If you see PK Subban drive by, throw snowballs at his car.

Wear those striped retro sweaters so the opposition goes cross-eyed.

Set up Walter and Jesse, from Breaking Bad, in the Bell Centre basement and have them start making meth for the players.

Pay the players by the mile, like truck drivers.












7 thoughts on “Hab Fixer-Uppers”

  1. Feeling that feeling I felt last season. What the f**k guys? Good third period but too little too late. Refs didn’t help. Are you kidding about the ice spray/unsportsman like? Plekanec should have know better. maybe our players are good but just stupid?

  2. You know what bugs me about that rule about snowing the goalie? They don’t call it all of the time. It seems we get burned by it a lot. I’m not convinced Plecky intended to snow Scrivens but he paid the price and the Leafs scored while he was in the box.

    And another thing. The Leafs were crashing into Price a lot but no goalie interference call. But we got a disallowed goal (Colby Armstrong I think) and Ryan White was sent to the box for goalie interference.

    All I know is that the refs as usual sure didn’t help us.

  3. That’s all true Danno, but aside from that, they just looked dead and way out of sorts. I know it’s the first game and they shouldn’t be very sharp, but it seemed not just physical with poor timing and all that, but it also seemed like a lack of passion. Maybe it’ll take a few games and then we’ll be proud of them.

  4. You’re absolutely right about that Dennis. they seem to be lethargic and playing carelessly — as if they think it’s exhibition hockey.

    Therien needs to break out the smelling salts before it’s too late.

  5. If Walter and Jesse were making their meth underneath the Bell Centre, I believe Walter would then start a plan to become the GM because he’d want that power. Then he’d try to go after Bettman’s job…hmm, that might be interesting. I doubt he would have stood for what Chara did though.

    The team looked flat and the timing seemed to be off. It was like one guy would be in position and then he’d try to pass and then he’d look behind him and his partner would be all the way back somewhere.

    I think the first few games will probably be fairly terrible but hopefully they’ll click soon…but they better get their act together soon or else it’s another high draft pick.

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