Are You Ready, Theatre-Goers?

Finally, after way too long, I’ve figured out how to raise the half billion dollars or more to make the Molsons an offer they can’t refuse to buy the team. 

I’m going to make an independent film.

It’s going to be the story of Harry Spice, a young goaltender for the Mont Tremblant Canaries, who had come up to the big team heralded as the best young goalie in hockey, and Canary fans rubbed their hands with glee.

In the beginning he was good but not great, but inexplicably his game went downhill to the point of fans booing him. He just wasn’t stopping pucks the way people thought he would, his confidence was waning, and I’ll have my camera crew shoot dark, shadowy images of him walking the streets alone, or at home throwing dishes around.

I’ll make Spice a bit of a man-about-town who enjoys the Mont Tremblant nightlife maybe a little too much and audiences will see glimpses of the area after dark, when the young and rich come out to play and bodies rub together. And after Jerry Hacksack is traded away not long after being nothing short of miraculous in the recent playoffs, Spice is given the number one job and the masses are angry and unsure of how the Canaries will do in the upcoming season year with the young buck between the pipes.

People call for the heads of management. They can’t believe that Hacksack was traded and Spice kept onboard. It’s going to very dramatic as people eat their popcorn.

Movie-goers at the Cannes Film Festival and then world-wide will really become engrossed. Because Spice, playing like he’s never played before, starts silencing critics by stopping pucks like nobody’s business, with a new-found feeling of invincibility, and is soon awarded NHL first star of the week.

People in their seats wipe away tears of joy. They stand and applaud. Critics will call it “the feel-good movie of the year.” Posters urge patrons to “Walk, even run, to your local theatre to see it. The Year’s Top Movie!” 

I’m just not finished the screenplay yet.

The plan is to have young Harry Spice carry on, his goals-against average continues to shrink, he starts dating a pretty girl who works at Sears, and the rousing finale, with the orchestra reaching the crescendo, features him carrying the Livingston Cup over his head while hundreds of fans come forward to apologize for booing, and he and his pretty wife kiss and walk arm in arm down Rue Ste. Kitimat.

I’ll be awarded the Palme d’Or at Cannes and later, after a red-carpet walk that will seem to go on forever, I’m given an Academy Award.

So me buying the team and you coming aboard as trusted employees looks like it’s still going to happen.

17 thoughts on “Are You Ready, Theatre-Goers?”

  1. The “Livingstone” cup!

    This is funny– and anybody who doesn’t think so is living in “da nile”.

  2. Dennis,

    I should be brushing away the tears as I write this but I’m not. Why? Because this is no tear-jerker. No peddlar of bathos. Great art demands a much deeper emotional response and the “Harry Spice Story ” delivers it in spades.

    Just one slight quibble. In a story that foregrounds darkness, brooding disquiet, base and noble human instincts, heightened passions and most of all hockey, a scene where the eponymous hero resorts to “throwing dishes around” as a metaphor for inner turmoil, isn’t going to work.

    And a word of warning. To go the blockbuster route you may have to cash in on the rights to this. Hollywood will take your story, move it to an LA based team with an American hero and turn it into a rather anodyne Rocky-lite product set in the world of basketball. There will be no body rubbing and dark broodiness.

    Financially it’s a risk but make it in Canada. maybe even do a French subtitled version. Go for that “foreign film” chic. They’ll love it in Cannes. The global grower sort of schtick, like Slumdog Millionaire.

    Keep control, make sure you are the producer.

    And don’t forget the merchandising. And the Director’s Cut (a 4 hour uncut version). And your own monagrammed chair and the biggest mobile home on the set etc etc.

  3. Ah, the drama, the highs and lows and journey. Sounds like a winner, Dennis. Sign me up. Can I go to post-showing bash?

  4. Dennis, could you write in a cameo appearance by Auld Spice who has the easiest job of all — doing almost nothing but watching Harry Spice play spectacularly while making a million bucks a year?

    Nice work if you can get it.

    And I found this shocking documentary for both you and Blue Bayou. It’s an exposé by none other than Captain Birdseye on the scandal revolving the bogus fish fingers.

    In it, Captain Birdeye is crushed by the realization that fish do not in fact possess fingers. Consequently, he decides to flee all that is commercial and modern by escaping civilization and living a life of solitude with his “fishy friends” in the far North:

    “I will enjoy the solitude of knowing, that I, Captain Birdseye am the last true man when all others have surrendered their humanity so easily. I have largely lost interest in material things. And like Ghandy, I have decided to withdraw from the world. A world that cares more about quick profits than nutrition or the environment.”

    Aye Captain Birdseye. Aye…

    Watch it here. But keep a Kleenex handy. It’s very touching…

    Dennis, your script, and the Captain Birdseye story are Oscar material.

  5. Blue Bayou …check, check, check, and check. Thanks for the advice and you bet, I’m worried that Hollywood will turn it into some kind of Hollywood thing. But I still like the idea of Harry at home, lights off, half-eaten lobster and a glass of wine in front of him, and suddenly he angril wipes everything away and things hit the walls and he hits rock bottom. But maybe you’re right.

  6. Hobo, what a waste of fine theatre popcorn. You know haw hard it is to get popcorn in grocery stores that tastes like theater popcorn. It just isn’t possible. And now you want to throw it away? Use licorice instead.

  7. Danno, your “Auld Spice” is brilliant. Why couldn’t I think of that? (maybe because my wife kept interrupting me with household things she wanted to talk about). So….fish don’t have fingers. But do they talk?

  8. Dennis

    I had visualised a spot of washing up getting out of hand and Harry throwing some plates around the kitchen. But your scene makes a lot more sense. I think someone should call in on Danno. I don’t think he’s in a good plaice right now. Oh dear the Flyers up next. Hope the back to back games can give the boys a helping hand.

  9. Dennis, that’s a deal. Just to ooh and ahh over your masterpiece will be enough for me. I’ll talk about Mr. Subban and count the days until you are the owner. 🙂

  10. Dennis, with you writing and directing it’s bound to be a box office smash. Remember to paint some faces blue (opposing players after running Harry Spice) and hand out 3D glasses and you’re guaranteed at least $2B.

  11. I don’t think I would be good for the movie. I’ve got the stereotypical face for radio. I’d love to be in charge of scouting filming locations, especially for the Mont Tremblant, resorts, hills, bars, etc.

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